Dear President Donald Trump,
As we discussed last week, we have advanced your offer of a sit-down with special counsel Robert Mueller. We know you’re very anxious to get this whole Russia probe thing behind you, and we couldn’t agree more. In fact, if Mueller doesn’t take us up on our generous offer soon, we are prepared to seize the upper hand and force the meeting. This encounter appearing imminent, we thought we’d provide you some helpful tips to prepare
#1 Avoid the big “O”. Mueller may try to use his prosecutor voodoo on you and get you to swear an oath. Resist. No oaths means no guarantees means no perjury, and the joke will be on him. Should you see anyone walking toward you with a bible or asking you to raise your right hand, grab the nearest roll of paper towels and distract the crowd by taking a jump shot
#2.Play to your strengths. Use as much of your own natural vocabulary as possible. If you get stuck, try, “covfefe,” “braggadocious,” or “bigly.” If a word has no definition, it can’t possibly incriminate you. If anyone gives you a hard time, remind them that you invented the term “fake news,” and threaten to sue for copyright infringement.
#3 Constantly be Clintoning: If you get stuck on a question, just bring up Bill Clinton’s use of the word “is” during his meeting with Ken Starr. That’ll remind Mueller that you, as the person answering the questions, are really the one in control. If he seems confused, just scream, “Monica Lewinsky!” If Mueller becomes aggressive, call him a “bad hombre.”
#4 Remember — Comey is a liar. Sir, this is very important. Mueller is probably going to ask you about the dinner you had with Jim Comey on January 27. This will be your chance to tell the world what you and Comey really talked about, and to dispel any myths that you asked for loyalty from Comey. Details are going to be important here. Maybe you guys talked about sports? Movies? The hot West Wing staffers? Ok, maybe not that last one. But you get our point. If you want to throw in some details about anything other than loyalty, that would be great.
#5 Comey was Incompetent. We cannot stress this enough. You fired Director Comey, because he was doing a bad job. It had nothing to do with loyalty. You just didn’t think he was doing well over at the FBI and wanted to bring in someone new. If they seem to want details, give them some stories about how Comey appeared stressed, or about how he might have been having problems at home. Remind everyone that the rank-and-file FBI hated the director and that everyone knew he was on his way out.
#6 Comey is Scary. Sir, this is going to be a tough one – but you need to try your best to sound like you find Jim Comey intimidating. Obviously, we know you don’t feel that way, but Mr. Comey is six-foot-seven and was the director of the FBI. There are some, (much less manly and powerful people than you, of course), people who might find him intimidating. Maybe you could just give the impression that you felt that way during your meetings with him. It would really help. Don’t worry, sir, it’s highly unlikely that anyone will bring up any comparisons of hand size between you and former Director Comey.
#7 Take control of that room! Mueller is likely to shake your hand at the start of the meeting. Be sure to do that tug-and-pull thing you did with Emmanuel Macron. It’ll drive Mueller crazy and throw him off his game. About fifteen minutes into the meeting, get up and start doing your creepy-stalker move from the presidential debate. Mueller will never have the balls to tell you to sit down. It’s going to be epic.
#8 Remember Russia. We’ve got a little mnemonic for you – Rotten Russia and Putrid Putin. Keep saying those over in your mind, so that you remember that Russia is bad. They’re going to use their lawyer tricks to get you to talk about the good times you had with Vlad and his people, but just keep it simple. Rotten Russia. Putrid Putin. Try not to remind people that you have a thing for Eastern European women. Definitely avoid ordering borscht or stroganoff for lunch, even if it looks really good. Do not arrive wearing a fur hat, whistling The Nutcracker, or discussing bears.
Good luck, sir. We’ve got your back. At least until we get disbarred. After that, you’re on your own.
Your Legal Team
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