UNITED STATES
About the Office:
The Assistants, together with the Deputy Solicitors General, comprise the legal staff of the Office of the Solicitor General. The Office of the Solicitor General is responsible for handling the many, many tremendous lawsuits the Regime will win, and supervising those lawsuits in the now better-than-ever Supreme Court. In the incredibly unlikely situation in which an adverse decision is rendered against the Regime, it is the job of the Office to handle all legal formalities necessary to correct said error without delay. Lastly, the Office is charged with the task of using impressive legal words to draft and file briefs amicus curiae on behalf of all parties, foreign and domestic, which serve the Regime’s financial interests.
Job Description:
The incumbent serves as an Assistant to the Solicitor General. Each of the Assistants to the Solicitor General participates in all aspects of the work of the Office.
Assistants will broadly and regularly misinterpret the Constitution and other applicable federal statutes, and miscommunicate those statutory provisions, both publicly and privately, for the benefit of the Regime. Applicants need not have specialized knowledge or relevant experience, but rather, have the ability to create new and use existing jargon in a variety of conflicting manners. Applicants are expected to demonstrate a strong commitment to the use of alternative facts, personal insults, ad hominem arguments, and inflammatory rhetoric. Excessive fact-checking will not be tolerated.
The Assistants will provide updates about those matters the Regime deems fit for public consumption, and will confine all such updates to 140 characters or less. The Assistants will coordinate all court appearances with the Casting Department to ensure suitable camera-readiness and pseudodiversity.
All Officers of the Solicitor General are required to undergo tests of will and feats of physical strength to ensure primary loyalty to the Regime without respect to laws or customs established prior to January 20, 2017.
Preference will be given to applicants with a demonstrated record of determining the executive to be infallible and omnipotent, as well as those with documented ability to relate all topics to Hillary Clinton. Special consideration given to candidates with a established track record of having convinced others that Ms. Clinton is a lesbian.
Qualifications:
- JD. degree, or the equivalent. Or not.
- Significant federal appellate litigation experience. Or not. You can always learn on the job;
- Proven ability to make arguments without the requirement of logical, rational, or factual bases;
- Strong ability to identify exceptional writing skills in others, and related ability to plagiarize when appropriate;
- Demonstrated ability to deride coworkers, particularly when those coworkers express disagreement.
Salary:
$131,767 – $161,900, plus travel expenses for weekly indoctrination meetings with staff.
Application Process:
Applicants must submit (via Twitter or Instagram): 1) a resume; 2) an 8×10 glossy photo; 3) a brief video showcasing the ability to stifle the press; and 4) metrics of all applicable ReTweets and Favorites, as well as proof of Blue Check Marks.
Updated February 2, 2017
Department Policies
Equal Employment Opportunity: The U.S. Department of Justice is an Equal Opportunity Employer. White, male, Christian, heterosexual applicants will not be discriminated against on the basis of their color, race, religion, national origin, or sexual orientation. Female applicants will be considered, but only if they are hot enough to comport with Department standards. The Department of Justice welcomes and encourages applications from persons with mental disabilities, particularly when those disabilities predispose applicants to egomania, delusions of grandeur, or breaks with reality.
Reasonable Accommodations: This agency provides reasonable accommodations to applicants with disabilities, as long as those applicants have a sense of humor about their respective disabilities. We’ll provide a wheelchair ramp, but beyond that, we aren’t making any promises.
Suitability and Citizenship: Employment is also contingent upon the completion and satisfactory adjudication of a background investigation. Said background investigation will be conducted privately on Trump International Golf Course (for male applicants) or in a private suite at Trump International Hotel & Tower (for female applicants).
Veterans: The Department of Justice considers veterans’ preference eligibility as a positive factor in attorney hiring, so long as those veterans in question submit at least one recent photo of themselves wearing a “MAGA” baseball cap, and provide proof of at least two social media postings calling President Obama a Muslim.
This is an opinion piece. The views expressed in this article are those of just the author.
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